Saturday, January 19, 2013

Memory Torment

Is it normal to mourn a previous marriage years later even though you are remarried?  Today I would have been married 11 years.  Although I just celebrated my own wedding anniversary with my CURRENT husband (4 years) I still can't seem to let January 19th slip by unnoticed.  This is an issue that should probably be taken to a family or spiritual counselor, but alas at this time I just don't have those resources.  My former spouse had a struggle with addiction that to this day he still has.  Actually, "struggle" is the incorrect word.  Struggle implies that he tried to fight the addiction.  He never did (except once, a very halfhearted attempt when I filed the divorce).  He just gave in and immersed himself in it.  So there was no way the marriage could have been saved.

I know without a doubt I have no feelings for my former spouse, and I have zero respect for him.  I've mentioned in an old blog how he was one person for the first 4 years of our union but he totally transformed into his "other" self the last 4 when the addiction took hold and, quite literally, sucked the soul from his spirit.  I actually look at it as a death: that "soulmate" I had "died" after the first four years in, and the douchebag I've dealt with from then on (he is the biological father/sperm donor of my oldest child) is a separate entity of the man I'd known.

My current husband now is a better man in every single way, and I love him (in a different way than I loved the first, but love is love no matter how you "categorize the depth").  But I still deeply mourn the "first four years of the former" even after all this time.  January 19th has never gotten any easier.  Is this normal?

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  1. I think it is completely normal. In essence the man that you loved died, he's not coming back, and you've had to move on because there was no other option for you. When you love someone that love just doesn't up and disappear because you are separated, whether it be from death, divorce, or the descent into asshatdom.

    You are allowed to grieve and to mourn and to wonder what might have been. That future was taken from you without your say-so or your permission. When you get down to it, that's trauma and getting over that doesn't have a time-limit.

    I think the fact that it still means something to you now is some indication of how much you loved and that is an indication of how big and beautiful your heart is. I don't think you should ever feel guilty or ashamed of that.

    Grieve today and tomorrow let yourself be happy for what is and what you have now and how completely you are loved!

  2. I suspect that what you're mourning on the anniversary date is not the actual marriage itself but the loss of the dreams you had when you married your ex and perhaps the loss of the person you were back then who had those dreams. I can see it being worth a touch of the blues but, as I'm sure you know, who you are today is what's important and real.

  3. Dominee - I'm just out the door on the way to work but I just wanted to say that you've made me feel a million times better. Thanks so much... the gods must have whispered to you that I really really really needed that. Best comment ever!