Saturday, January 19, 2013

Memory Torment

Is it normal to mourn a previous marriage years later even though you are remarried?  Today I would have been married 11 years.  Although I just celebrated my own wedding anniversary with my CURRENT husband (4 years) I still can't seem to let January 19th slip by unnoticed.  This is an issue that should probably be taken to a family or spiritual counselor, but alas at this time I just don't have those resources.  My former spouse had a struggle with addiction that to this day he still has.  Actually, "struggle" is the incorrect word.  Struggle implies that he tried to fight the addiction.  He never did (except once, a very halfhearted attempt when I filed the divorce).  He just gave in and immersed himself in it.  So there was no way the marriage could have been saved.

I know without a doubt I have no feelings for my former spouse, and I have zero respect for him.  I've mentioned in an old blog how he was one person for the first 4 years of our union but he totally transformed into his "other" self the last 4 when the addiction took hold and, quite literally, sucked the soul from his spirit.  I actually look at it as a death: that "soulmate" I had "died" after the first four years in, and the douchebag I've dealt with from then on (he is the biological father/sperm donor of my oldest child) is a separate entity of the man I'd known.

My current husband now is a better man in every single way, and I love him (in a different way than I loved the first, but love is love no matter how you "categorize the depth").  But I still deeply mourn the "first four years of the former" even after all this time.  January 19th has never gotten any easier.  Is this normal?

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Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Some Rainy Morning

For the next couple of days in my area we are in for quite a rainstorm.  They say that we are expected to get about 4 inches of rainfall.  I think it has inspired me, as storms often seem to.  
So earlier today I took an hour power walk with the hubby and the boys, blogged, shopped, folded laundry, created a new MyFitnessPal account, figured out sensible meals, and is still about to go in for eight hours at work tonight. Who's kicked this day's butt by not sitting on hers? This chick!
I think I may be finally coming out on the other side of an eight month period of depression (speaking of butts I really let this kick mine last year).  
It's funny (and not ha ha so) because this morning when I just couldn't make myself wake up and get out of bed I told my husband in the bitchiest tone possible "I hate my life!" which I knew even in that moment was not true.  After being recharged from today I spent a moment in prayer reflecting on how I did not at all mean that.  Before that I realized it especially during the deep cleansing breaths I took during our morning walk as the morning air charged with the coming storm filled my essence, and as the laughter of our sons running on the path ahead filled our ears.
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Thursday, January 3, 2013

On Forward I Journey...

It's a new year!  Every new year leaves me feeling renewed with excitement.  Even if the year before was as crappy as could be just the promise of a new slate is an instant hope booster.

Right now things are still not at best potential.  My husband ("The Family Guy") is still out of a job (going on four months now).  Family Guy is not, and has never been, lazy.  He's been searching and has been on countless interviews but no luck for us yet.  Also I am still feeling terribly conflicted in my spiritual life as I am still going to an evangelical church weekly that I absolutely love (and most of you know that I've always woven bits of Christianity and Jesus' teachings into my Pagan spirituality) but a Pagan soul I am to the core, and shall always be.  I love the church, it is definitely my husband's home, I believe it is a good spiritual base for the kids to start from, but this witch just isn't ready to trade in her broom.

Two immediate positives though... tomorrow is my oldest daughter Willow's (The Whoa) 8th birthday.  My goodness where has the time gone?  And my husband's job loss has given me the opportunity to go back full time to work, and in about a year and a half I will go up like a $4 an hour jump because of it. :-)  Being "The Chicken Goddess" was never my lifelong dream, but I do love my job and the benefits are pretty good.

So... new year, new blog.  Actually TWO new blogs.  This one, Wintermagick Musings, to log my regular mundane life with the magickal threaded within.  And my new baby project, Love Spirals Inwards, my inspired place of my journey of loving the soul I'm in and tapping into (and having a relationship with) the Spirit/The Divine.

For the first time I am doing that whole "word of the year" thing.  My word for 2013 was inspired by the Obama campaign slogan: "Forward".  Let's just get this out of the way right now, I have a bit of a crush on Barack Obama. ;-)

So on forward I journey.  I would love it if you join me!

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