Friday, July 5, 2013

Balance. It Could Be Awesome.

At this point I am trying to find a way to actually live this mantra. I try to keep things here positive and light but today here's the thing: For the past 6 years I've had a deep on and off again depression that I am having trouble releasing. One way of dealing with this has been through blogging, but as passionate as I've been it always falls flat. I consistently blog about loving the body you are in, yet at the same time can't stop obsessing about certain parts of my body and fantasizing about (and trying to figure out a way to finance) a tummy tuck/lipo to get rid of those last 20 pounds. I talk about deep spirituality at times, but IRL give into social pressure about where I should be spiritually and the kind of mother I should be.  (There is an old German saying of Kinder, K├╝che, Kirche, or the 3 Ks, it translates to “children, kitchen, church”).  It way pre-dates National Socialist thinking, but if I remember right somewhere within the rise of the Nazi party it became something of a fashionable statement. My life is an effigy of constant caring for everyone except myself. When I do feel inspired to write, research, or connect with friends my children immediately suffer. When I don't take time to do these things myself I suffer in the long run. I am feeling deeply inspired and spiritual lately, and these deep needs are screaming within to NO LONGER be put on the back burner. And yet they clash with the needs of others, with the life I've created. So any thoughts, positive energy, and prayers sent this way to help me find this sorely needed balance would be an amazing boost right now. Thanks, and I ♥ you all! xxoo

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Sunday, May 26, 2013


It's been a while, yet again.  I used to really enjoy blogging, that is until it became a huge contest to have the most professional website, win the most awards and look the most like a newspaper chock full of useful articles.  Whatever happened to just real and raw writing?  I have a few bloggy friends that do it, but it is rare.  So I've taken to writing things in a personal journal and, if the mood strikes. I'll still throw things up here once in a while.

So about a week ago Moore, OK (in the Oklahoma City metro area) was devastated (yet again) by an EF-5 tornado.  Moore is about two and a half hours away from us, but I have quite a bit of family and friends in that area, and have been out there countless times.  I was just there less than a year ago and will actually be going back two months from now.  It was a horrible tragedy that everyone has heard plenty about by now, but something about that storm has awakened something in me.  It sort of activated or awakened a long sleeping Goddess archetype within... that being Artemis.  Through this experience I realize I've been repressing some issues waaaaaaay down.  But that being the case it will be a long time before I can really address them (much less work through them).  On the outside things are going well, the kids are healthy, the family is blessed, and so for now I just sigh and hold up the umbrella to ward off the storm within.

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Saturday, March 2, 2013

Where I've Been

In February three very unexpected events blew in like a blizzard wind into my life.  The first one is that a local charity informed us that they were going to do a real-life version of an extreme home make-over on our home over a weekend and send our family on an all-expense paid vacation to a tourist attraction here in the DFW area called "The Great Wolf Lodge" while they did it.  Then the very next day we received unexpected news that my father in law had suddenly passed away.  And while all of this was going on I was given a semi-promotion at work that totally changed my schedule (for the better).  This is pretty much why my online time has been almost non-existent lately (except for brief periods I can log in to check things on my phone).

The moment my husband arrived back in town from his father's funeral the home make-over began, and I never dreamed that this one event could help me so much with embracing my year's word, "forward".  The change out of carpets, furniture, and energy in our home has really opened my eyes about the "home" I was living in, both literally and emotionally inwardly.  While I've been sorting this out I feel my heart becoming full of things to share again, but have been just trying to figure out where to start and incorporate blogging into a schedule that works.

So I'm hoping to be back asap.  In the meantime, here are some home make-over photos.

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Saturday, January 19, 2013

Memory Torment

Is it normal to mourn a previous marriage years later even though you are remarried?  Today I would have been married 11 years.  Although I just celebrated my own wedding anniversary with my CURRENT husband (4 years) I still can't seem to let January 19th slip by unnoticed.  This is an issue that should probably be taken to a family or spiritual counselor, but alas at this time I just don't have those resources.  My former spouse had a struggle with addiction that to this day he still has.  Actually, "struggle" is the incorrect word.  Struggle implies that he tried to fight the addiction.  He never did (except once, a very halfhearted attempt when I filed the divorce).  He just gave in and immersed himself in it.  So there was no way the marriage could have been saved.

I know without a doubt I have no feelings for my former spouse, and I have zero respect for him.  I've mentioned in an old blog how he was one person for the first 4 years of our union but he totally transformed into his "other" self the last 4 when the addiction took hold and, quite literally, sucked the soul from his spirit.  I actually look at it as a death: that "soulmate" I had "died" after the first four years in, and the douchebag I've dealt with from then on (he is the biological father/sperm donor of my oldest child) is a separate entity of the man I'd known.

My current husband now is a better man in every single way, and I love him (in a different way than I loved the first, but love is love no matter how you "categorize the depth").  But I still deeply mourn the "first four years of the former" even after all this time.  January 19th has never gotten any easier.  Is this normal?

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Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Some Rainy Morning

For the next couple of days in my area we are in for quite a rainstorm.  They say that we are expected to get about 4 inches of rainfall.  I think it has inspired me, as storms often seem to.  
So earlier today I took an hour power walk with the hubby and the boys, blogged, shopped, folded laundry, created a new MyFitnessPal account, figured out sensible meals, and is still about to go in for eight hours at work tonight. Who's kicked this day's butt by not sitting on hers? This chick!
I think I may be finally coming out on the other side of an eight month period of depression (speaking of butts I really let this kick mine last year).  
It's funny (and not ha ha so) because this morning when I just couldn't make myself wake up and get out of bed I told my husband in the bitchiest tone possible "I hate my life!" which I knew even in that moment was not true.  After being recharged from today I spent a moment in prayer reflecting on how I did not at all mean that.  Before that I realized it especially during the deep cleansing breaths I took during our morning walk as the morning air charged with the coming storm filled my essence, and as the laughter of our sons running on the path ahead filled our ears.
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Thursday, January 3, 2013

On Forward I Journey...

It's a new year!  Every new year leaves me feeling renewed with excitement.  Even if the year before was as crappy as could be just the promise of a new slate is an instant hope booster.

Right now things are still not at best potential.  My husband ("The Family Guy") is still out of a job (going on four months now).  Family Guy is not, and has never been, lazy.  He's been searching and has been on countless interviews but no luck for us yet.  Also I am still feeling terribly conflicted in my spiritual life as I am still going to an evangelical church weekly that I absolutely love (and most of you know that I've always woven bits of Christianity and Jesus' teachings into my Pagan spirituality) but a Pagan soul I am to the core, and shall always be.  I love the church, it is definitely my husband's home, I believe it is a good spiritual base for the kids to start from, but this witch just isn't ready to trade in her broom.

Two immediate positives though... tomorrow is my oldest daughter Willow's (The Whoa) 8th birthday.  My goodness where has the time gone?  And my husband's job loss has given me the opportunity to go back full time to work, and in about a year and a half I will go up like a $4 an hour jump because of it. :-)  Being "The Chicken Goddess" was never my lifelong dream, but I do love my job and the benefits are pretty good.

So... new year, new blog.  Actually TWO new blogs.  This one, Wintermagick Musings, to log my regular mundane life with the magickal threaded within.  And my new baby project, Love Spirals Inwards, my inspired place of my journey of loving the soul I'm in and tapping into (and having a relationship with) the Spirit/The Divine.

For the first time I am doing that whole "word of the year" thing.  My word for 2013 was inspired by the Obama campaign slogan: "Forward".  Let's just get this out of the way right now, I have a bit of a crush on Barack Obama. ;-)

So on forward I journey.  I would love it if you join me!

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